tytan.blogspot.com

The story of the yo.

2012-02-13T23:34:00.000+08:00

The boss then remarked, though not in so many words, that in his opinion, the parental legitimacy of the buyer was in grave question.

Get it?

Haha. What brilliance.

French's my idol now.

The unproven entity

2012-02-03T00:23:00.001+08:00

There he goes. On an ambitious quest to garner enough materials for his banderole, he focuses.

As though something has clicked into place, his mind roars to life.

............ ............ ............

His mind — full of unruly thoughts he is struggling to tame, full of ideas he can hardly contain. How they are bursting to be delivered to this world.

If only the machine could be faster.

He eschews the pencil, denouncing its predisposition to go blunt. Not to forget the blatant, incessant need for its rubber friend to obliterate its blunders; it is such irksome distraction from the cognitive millrun, no thanks to his obsessive-compulsive disorder.

But what could he do when the machine becomes lethargic and starts to slow to a crawl? When his brain is churning out inspirations at a blistering rate, even faster than the computer endowed with superhuman processing power.

Should he reach for the pencil? Should he just wait for the machine to recover from its unacceptable torpor? Or —

Too late.

Now, the mental bustle starts to dwindle. He is composed again, although he can compose no more.

And yet, he is quite untested. Still the unproven entity.

The creative center

2012-01-18T02:01:00.000+08:00

"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot…reading is the creative center of a writer’s life…you cannot hope to sweep someone else away by the force of your writing until it has been done to you." — Stephen King

Read. Write. And then, Affect.

The note to the future you.

2012-01-06T16:55:00.000+08:00

I know you're out there. Somewhere.

Perhaps living without a care.

But know this: Somewhere out there, someone's living with a pain he can't bear.

The count of blessings

2012-01-03T22:07:00.001+08:00

I'm too fortunate. I forget that sometimes, take it for granted. So now that i am brimming with gratitude, i think i should note it down.

You are probably in similar conditions too. Charmed but unmindful. Or too indulged in your tribulations that you neglect to care.

I won't ask you to count your blessings. It is beyond measure. But when you do realise it, your heavy heart will be lighter than feather.

Go on, feel it.

《美妙生活》

2011-12-31T00:09:00.004+08:00

拥有》想念》早开的晚霞

播放机，加上水滴。

[ 谢谢，林宥嘉。]

似曾拥有

2011-12-29T23:41:00.000+08:00

眼泪把我的视线给模糊，试图遮掩瞬间让我心酸的那一幕。

The pain of Facebook

2011-12-28T21:55:00.000+08:00

I take a stab every time i see your updates. But there's no helping it; I'd rather get to hear about you than not.

The remedy to a restless night

2011-12-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

I shudder to think what the world would be like without music.

Pluck and play

2011-12-13T23:46:00.000+08:00

Music plucks my heartstrings like an adept guitarist.
It stirs my soul to an otherworldly dance.

The wring

2011-12-09T23:38:00.001+08:00

You wrung my heart as though dead intent to squeeze till the very last drop.

I bled dry.

1-and-2-and-3-and-4-and...

2011-11-28T23:50:00.001+08:00

I am improving. I can feel it.

Well, at least i hope it's not something temporary, but a new ability that is here to stay. Just like swimming.

I'm still having a hard time getting the beats right. All my life, i've been going freestyle — more likely going all over the place, but always failing to realise the mess or never bothering to correct myself.

Truth be told, i've been trying my best to shun from any exercises that would set me on the right track. Because counting the beats (aloud and also mentally) and clapping along drives my coordination ability to its limits. Somewhat like trying to juggle more balls than you can handle. Eventually what i am clapping and what i am counting in my heart will decide to go their own ways. Worse still, if i were to intensify the challenge and attempt to identify the rhythm to a melody; it's akin to trying to hold on to a slippery fish floundering for its dear life. This whole rhythm game never fails to boggle my mind.

Like right now. My head is still aching a little. I would like to think that just like working out for bigger muscles, the part of my brain that is responsible for rhythmic endeavour is getting stronger even as i wince from the ache. And there's the sense of satisfaction. It's a little like facing an old foe and telling him in his face you're no longer afraid.

At this point, though, my bane would simply smile back and knock me out with a single blow.

One day, i will conquer you, Rhythm. You just wait.

Deep conversations

2011-11-25T23:39:00.001+08:00

I had two long conversations recently, and since it's such a rarity these days (weeks & months), i thought i should note them.

The first was with a new acquaintance from school. I didn't expect to make new friends; not in the middle of semester and not with the prevalent, diffident culture.

Not the type who warms up very quickly to others, i usually settle at a comfortable territory of asking polite questions to find out more about the other party. I've realised that i keep up with a relentless trail of questions to avoid the slightest awkward silence; it might not be awkward at all to the other person, but it unnerves me greatly. Then when i find common ground (of topics or interests), i'd zero in on it like a hawk intent on its prey. And in the meantime, nervously scout for the next topic before the conversation runs out.

Back to the point. So i made two new friends and got to do some ice-breaking during the lecture break. Naturally, i zoomed in on the common modules we're taking. I was talking to one of them about, you know, school work, and he took the reins of the conversation. I settled back, thankfully, in my familiar role of being a listener. Well-versed in being a listener, i was able to inject apt responses which helped keep him going.

While i listened, i marvelled at how easily he was keeping up the conversation. To me, that is quite a feat. It was never all about him. The conversation never did lapse into becoming one-sided, which could have easily been the case with an untactful speaker. He kept both of us involved, though he was the one who had to do most of the talking. Reminds me very much of TC. I absolutely admire how these people can engage in sincere sharing — of stories, life experiences, opinions, and deep thoughts. Because, when i recently had my first foray into networking, i became distressingly conscious of my inability to open up.

And through his matured thoughts, i couldn't help but discern my inadequacy and lack of intellectual depth. I assure you this is not simply a case of inferiority complex.

TC and him, such people are bound to be successful in life. I strongly believe so. I can imagine how good networking skills and natural charisma would help open a lot of doors for them. And i must remind myself to work on it.

The second conversation was with a senior, thrice over, since secondary school. We've not spoken this much before. Only today, after exchanging much more than the usual greetings and brief updates, did we find out that we are similar in quite a number of ways. Such as the routes we took in education, needless to say. But even so, it actually entails our respective fates and also viewpoints. Especially having stumbled at the same stage in life.

His optimism is something to emulate. And lastly, his travel experiences did rouse the wanderlust in me.

So, that's all. Tired as i am now, i know that i'm bound to have made some grammatical/expression errors in this post. But the perfectionist is too fatigued to bother, and that is saying something.

ps: I'm starting to get frantic over my job prospects upon graduation, on top of burgeoning anxiety towards the imminent final year exams. Tip me off if you know of any suitable openings or opportunities for me, please, very kind souls.

The pieces of me.

2011-11-09T03:06:00.000+08:00

She smiled as she sang. She put on a cool front. But my heart wrenched all the same.

It was effortless for her. I crumbled to pieces.

人和人的沟通

2011-11-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

「人和人的沟通有时候没有用。」

有时候，却是因为人和人之间，没有沟通。

突然心情灰了一下，因为发现别人不了解我，而我也不了解他们。

之前可能沟通上不够理想，导致误会产生。现在想要沟通，却不给机会。

你进，我退。我前，你返。

是不是很像两个人一起跳舞，需要默契，需要在同一个拍子上？一有失误，踩到对方的脚，那支舞就不能跳下去了？

沟通。我们学了大半辈子，怎么还是不够熟练，精准？为什么还常会在我们毕生感情上，道出裂痕？

但我相信，它能造成伤害，也能把裂痕补好。有话好说。说开了，心结也就解了。

那我们沟通一下，好吗？不要再逃了。

Dream Big (or Impossible Is Only Made Possible Because You Think It That Way)

2011-10-27T03:08:00.001+08:00

Conversation with a friend:

Precisely because they think it's impossible, they don't achieve it. They don't want to try, because they think it is impossible. They don't want to go for it because they are scared that when they fail, they'll be embarrassed and disappointed. Then, at least they don't have to face others and give any explanations for their failures. Then, when others fail, they can smugly say, "see, i told you it's impossible." But they forget that at the same time, other people are achieving what they want.

I said that huge chunk of words, in a single breath. Or (since we were chatting on Facebook), with a single "Enter" key. We were debating (debate, not dispute) about whether it is pointless to have big dreams. Friend's stand was that those people who have big dreams just think too much, fantasising about goals they're not likely to attain. And as this is a topic that i feel strongly for, thus opened the floodgate.

To me, it is important to have something to dream and strive for. I feel that life would be much meaningless and empty if otherwise. You'll never know until you try. Dream big, and work towards it. If you unfortunately fail, then at least you'd tried and wouldn't have to live your life full of regret and "what ifs". You'd have the consolation of the process, and the satisfaction of having given your fullest for a goal in life. And hopefully, you'd have learnt something about yourself, or some new experience and knowledge, which would later prove to be invaluable in your next venture. You might fizzle out, but at least you had at some point, burnt and shone. Then again, you might succeed. And find yourself exactly where you want to be, or even better, beyond your wildest hopes. You succeed because you have given yourself the chance.

We would be in a dismal state if there weren't people who dream big. There wouldn't have been adventurous explorers who discovered originally unchartered parts of the world. There wouldn't be new cures and medical breakthroughs. There wouldn't be new inventions and gadgets we can't live without now (think electricity, or something more current, mobile phones) There wouldn't be space expeditions and the moon would still be unreachable. There would be a whole lot lesser star athletes and singers and celebrities, because trust me, you get to admire many of them now only because they have pushed themselves hard to get where they are.

At the same time, we would be in deep trouble if we don't have people who are content with a simple life. Monotonous, yet essential chores, which would have bored those who want to challenge themselves and try different tasks, would have been left undone. We might have a shortage of farmers, teachers and nurses if demand exceeds the supply of those who are truly dedicated (tell me if you have never heard of anyone who holds a less than passionate attitude to his/her occupation). Employees who want nothing more than to finish up their work and go home to their families and indulge in recreational activities, they contribute by clearing a lot of dirty work that others might shirk from. But they don't mind, because they are fine with leading a life with no big ambitions, just a peaceful, unstressful one. The world would be in a big mess without these people too.

And i don't wish to sound like i despise or belittle those with such mentality. Like i said, the world cannot do without either of these groups. Everyone is entitled to their own thinking, and the way they want to lead their life.

But just because you subscribe to a certain way of thinking, does not mean you should deride those who think differently. Don't go all, "what is the point of having ridiculous, big dreams when you know it's impossible to achieve them?" Most of the time, it's impossible because you think it is. You give up before trying.

Ok, don't shoot me down with things like "it's true, pigs can't fly", "it's impossible for humans to fly or teleport, isn't it?". But who knows, one day we might see flying pigs and teleportation becomes the de facto mode of transport. And all that would happen (if it does) because of a big dreamer who believed in his ideals, and ignored the voices telling him it's impossible.

Trauma, linger no more

2011-10-23T05:19:00.000+08:00

Let today be a strident reminder — of the vile, unspeakable ordeal you'd have to go through if you wilfully give in to foolish impulses.

Following your heart is one thing. Blindly going along with fancies of unknown origins, and mistaking it as your heart's desires is very much another matter. Please reconcile with your brain at least a little. Let your perceptive brain take a sniff to verify that it really came from the heart, and not some attention-seeking, neglected fella.

Oh wait, it could have actually came from some dark cranny of the brain. Damn you, traitor! How dare you usurp my hold over my rationality?

So.. Whose fault is it?

I still can't shake off the revolting shreds of memory, lingering like a perverse bad smell. The kind you try your best to wave off, but it'll stubbornly stay just to annoy you. Like a bad taste left in the mouth, and no amount of Listerine would help.

Bah, just go to sleep and forget it all. Shred the memory into nothingness. Wake up, and poof, it's gone!

Just hope that you won't have to dream of it. Nightmare, really.

And please, i implore you. Learn your lesson, forget not how truly traumatised you are at this current moment. No more making the same mistake.

ps: Aircon's leaking exactly one hour after i'd turn it on, as if on some cue, or some fastidious habit to dribble on time. And it's not helping my mission to forget the terrible tribulation, since the sound of the dripping is reminiscent of the background earlier. Bah. Bed, here i come. Comfort me.

Learning to learn (like a baby)

2011-10-03T01:20:00.002+08:00

We have forgotten what it's like taking our first unassisted, wobbly steps, as a baby; and the countless falls before, all accumulated to give rise to the accomplishment.
We have forgotten our stammering and forgivable incoherence when we were trying to grasp our mother tongue as a baby; learning the linguistic rules and structure, and new words to express ourselves.

Now, when we approach something new — a craft, a skill, a language, a discipline — we burden ourselves with apprehension. We get discouraged at slight stumbles, we give up too easily because it is, well, easy to do so. We compare ourselves with others, and mount undue pressure on our shoulders. We imitate, and lose ourself in the process.

And the hands which guarded us from faltering when we took our baby steps, they are no longer there. The remarkable patience in repeating sentences word by word, and correcting us as we assimiliate to make intelligible speech, they don't exist beyond our adorable infancy. No one has that much time for us anymore. Neither does anyone have the obligation to indulge anyone, to coddle and pacify.

So you learn on your own. No one else has bigger incentives to improve yourself.

We fall, and we feel embarrassed. And the people around you laugh, whether good-naturedly or derisively.

But did you ever let embarrassment get in your way when you were a baby learning to walk? If you say, "no, babies are still too small, they don't feel embarrassment", then perhaps that's precisely what you need to do (or not do): don't feel embarrassed.

The people who laugh, they don't feel the pain. But you do. So all the more you must make the pain worthwhile. So you stand tall, and see it through. When you succeed, they will cheer for you. Make them, make yourself, proud.

If need be, imagine how you'd learnt as a baby. That's how you should learn, when you find yourself stuck at something. Experiment until you find the solution, try until you get something which suits yourself (just like how you'd once played with sounds and vowels before making your first utterance).The learning curve might be steep, but that just means you're all the higher when you get to the top. Brace yourself, and keep going.

Note to self:

Hey you. Please work harder. Much much harder. Just wake up, already. Brace yourself, and keep going. See you at the top.

King of the day

2011-09-12T15:23:00.000+08:00

I thought my plan was going fine, but I got caught by my best friend. Too bad for me.

So anyway, happy birthday to me. Yay, I am the king of the day.

ps: I'm getting used to it already. Unbelievable, but true. The side-effects of growing up.

You can't fight the tide when you're tired. But, least you tried.

2011-08-04T00:13:00.000+08:00

When the moment is ripe, when the music is right,
those emotions flood you in a relentless tide.
And then slowly, slowly, you'll just give up the fight.

The world didn't stop for me. So I move on, and try to keep pace.

2011-07-25T00:41:00.000+08:00

Hello world.

I really meant to get back to blogging on a (slightly more) regular basis, but you can see that I hadn't. A number of things happened in the past 2-3 months, all of which are blog-worthy. I would have liked them to be penned as a more or less permanent record, but now that they're in the past for quite some time now, I don't think I will write much about those stuff.

I'd wanted to write about my exam anxiety back in Apr/May, how I was on the verge of a breakdown. It's the first time I felt like that, and I had sleeping problems during that period, which immediately alleviated once my exams were over.

I'd wanted to write about how 林宥嘉 saved me with his timely album during that very trying period. 想自由 was so apt at that time, and then later, 早开的晚霞.

I'd wanted to write a tribute for my late grandpa. To recount my childhood which was made up largely of him and my grandma.

I'd wanted to write about my internship, which i was looking forward to, and yet dreading at the same time. About what I have been doing, what I have learnt. But that sounds corny already, doesn't it?

I'd wanted to write about my new guitar. I'd wanted to write about my unexpected urge to want to perform. I'd wanted to write about officially getting my own room at the age of 22. I'd wanted to write about how I've finally come to appreciate how everyone feels about Friday so much (TGIF really). I'd wanted to write about how I'm settling into a routine, almost in a robotic mode.

And I really should stop writing about what I wanted to write but didn't get to, because I need to adhere to my routine now. That means bedtime.

Goodnight world.

失·忘

2011-06-02T23:30:00.000+08:00

你说,「把我忘了」。

我失望。我失落。

我失去。

The unsung

2011-05-20T02:20:00.001+08:00

The piano sighed, as though the running fingers on its ivories hurt like a bad toothache. The guitar strings twanged of my pain. I sung my heart out. But the music.. my song, obviously did not reach you.

Much less touched you.

The restart

2011-03-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

Do you, sometimes, feel like you're better off dead? Leave this life and try living another one.

But no, they scare us by saying that if you deliberately end your own game, you don't get to restart.

And i believe in karma and reincarnation and that sort of thing.

So i got scared. But feel like dying and starting over, all the same.

ps: Sorry that my first post of the year had to be morbid. And sorry that I din't even say a proper hi. And sorry too, that I have not been updating.
Maybe I can do a proper hello next time. And don't worry, there'll be a next time, cause im not suicidal. Really!
That is, if you're still listening there, at the other end. My ghost (read: imaginary) readers.

No other reasons.

2010-08-21T23:20:00.000+08:00

because we are only young once.

遗憾

2010-07-28T16:04:00.000+08:00

那是遗憾
在向你呼喊。

只可惜过去不能再回返
想弥补也已经太晚。

wishing i'm there right now

2010-07-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

Right now, even as i'm typing, his concert is going on.

And that's the only place i really wish to be at, right now.

Just to remember...

no missed calls. no text messages. just nothing.

2010-06-29T00:14:00.005+08:00

I quote this from iwtfy:

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us. And if they didn't call, they didn't call.

失败者的丧气话

2010-06-26T18:03:00.001+08:00

想哭。

非常清楚离目标还是有一段距离。不想用遥不可及来形容，因为怕从此就没有勇气和毅力奋斗下去。

看着别人耀眼的成绩，自己却依然一事无成，心里很不是滋味。

好羡慕，好感慨。
好失落，好沮丧。

我一直都很疑惑，是该继续努力，还是宣告结束。

是不是热忱不够？信念？

还是先天的不足，终究不能被后天的努力弥补？

ps: 说了丧气话，头脑清醒多了。一切归咎于自己还不够拼。不够天分，就一定要用万倍的努力补上去。
我也许不是天才，那做个地才好了。总之，一定要出人头地。只许成功！

Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are.

2010-06-14T02:02:00.000+08:00

It's good to know that when i get speechless, when i can't find the words to express the jumble of emotions inside, there's always my iTunes to turn to. Always so reliable, so dependable. So acute to my mood, and attentive.

I can sing along. I can sit quietly and listen as the songs convey my thoughts.

I swear there's some inexplicable connection between us. I'll trigger the shuffle mode, and it will always play the right songs when i'm down. Either that, or Apple had secretly invented a mood detector and discreetly built it into iTunes.

Like this one tonight. The Scientist by Coldplay, though it's Avril Lavigne's rendition that came up. I've always thought it's an alright song, but i never realised how beautiful the song really is. Especially now i recognise and can wholly identify with the lyrics. The lyrics, that's exactly what's going on. Right from the first verse to the chorus... the whole thing. It's so apt, it's really freaky. iTunes, how did you know?

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

the clock strikes twelve

2010-06-11T16:26:00.001+08:00

As the magic wears off, the princely carriage turns back into an unlovely pumpkin, and the handsome coachmen transform into the abhorrent, pesky rats that they were.

When the clock strikes twelve, the enchantment ends. Everything reverts, back to the deplorable state it had been.

That's magic for you,
that's fairy tale.
You didn't believe all was real,
or did you?

The magic wears off, and we're back to the usual.

What's next?

破了

2010-05-31T02:16:00.003+08:00

那些碎片，由谁来捡？

没机会挽回你已走远。

会呼吸的痛

2010-05-27T19:50:00.002+08:00

The torment of not knowing is killing me.

So is the agony of waiting.

This pain, it breathes.

It comes to life, even as i wilt.

It breathes, while i'm slowly asphyxiated.

sudden inspiration

2010-05-22T00:26:00.002+08:00

你急着想飞，却忘了自己还没长好翅膀。

我疯言。我疯语。

2010-05-21T23:19:00.002+08:00

I sang it all out. It felt good.

For a while.

But it wasn't enough to fill the void.

You know, like in those movies with the black hole/whirlpool/magical vortex (pick one) that sucks in everything in sight? And then the main characters attempt to escape, managing to inch further before getting pulled back a little. A deadly tug-of-war. Some make it, some don't.

I got sucked in.

Thankfully, it was a brief spell. Like one of those unfathomable days when it rained suddenly and cleared just as abruptly. Then you'd shake your umbrella at the sky in protest and exasperation.

But it took its toll.

我无言。我无语。

the core of things (people)

2010-05-18T13:06:00.004+08:00

The apple was beautiful. Its skin smooth and flawless, its colour a resplendent blend of green and red. There were no dents.

As i said, flawless.

I bit, and there was a satisfying crunch as i sank my teeth into it. It tasted sweet and gratifying.

I admired the colour of the apple, as i inflicted it with huge bites (i eat my apples without peeling them).

So deep in indulgence i was, that when i finally examined my bite sites, it was too late. I saw a worm and its residence deep in the apple, a black cavity. Part of it had already been excavated. I spat, but most of it had already been swallowed and making its way down my stomach. Too late.

Thus ended my pleasant experience.

If only we can tell if an apple's rotten without having to bite into it. If only we can see through the deception of its gorgeous appearance right away, and save ourselves from disappointment later.

If only we can easily see through a person's exterior and take a good look at his interior, his core. If only we can accurately detect if a person's rotten inside or not, without having to plunge in too deep.

But we always have to bite into it first before we can uncover the core, black or not. Just don't get too distracted by the appearance. Try.

周杰伦

2010-05-15T23:58:00.003+08:00

谢谢你，周杰伦。

天亮了雨下了你走了

清楚了我爱的遗失了。。

然后，

雨下一整晚。

00:10

2010-05-13T00:09:00.002+08:00

我怕。

怕得几乎动弹不得。

可是，我不能愣住，不能不动。

矛盾。但还是要往前走。

也只能往前走。

tick tock. thump thump.

2010-05-09T23:47:00.001+08:00

It's close to midnight.

And i'm freaking out like crazy.

Ok, deep breaths.

Let's go.

despair to disgruntlement

2010-05-08T00:41:00.018+08:00

(warning: super super long post, you might get bored.)

Tonight, i felt despair while tackling a Econs past-year paper. It could be a protraction of how i felt at the Math examination in the day, what i was anxiously trying to suppress during the paper.

Despondence not because the paper was exceptionally tricky, but because it dawned on me, all over again, how examinations are largely a make-or-break situation. My revelation (well, not entirely, seeing as this isn't the first) that much as 99% hard work and 1% genius can go a long, long way, you can always falter at the very last bit.

Just one stumble, and in the next moment you might be plummeting into an abyss of failure and defeat. No excuses, no second chances.

I looked up at the clock after 2 questions to check my progress, and was slightly disconcerted that 30 minutes have past. Back at home when i do test practices, i take less than 10 minutes for a question, on average. I should have at least started on the 4th question. Okay, not that i hadn't consider beforehand that i'd need more time. I was putting extra effort to write legibly, and that, to me, is actually tougher than many of the questions on the paper. So i thought, it's okay, i can still do fine.

And then as i burrow deeper into the paper, i started having the jitters. I knew i really shouldn't be too cautious and hesitant when solving the questions, but i couldn't help it. I have to make sure i get it right, and i have to make sure it's neat. I have to be wary.

When i found that i'm on precarious grounds for a few questions, that's when the despair kicked in. It slowly boiled to an effervescent concoction of panic, disheartenment and weariness. But of course, there were no other options but to fight it, and promise to deal with it later.

Still, it was much better than my sociology paper yesterday. I emerged from the hall thoroughly shaken. But it's past.

So, just now, while studying for Econs, the despair wrestled it's way back.

What if my econs paper is going to be a killer? What if i spaced out? What if i can't at least hit the borderline(*touchwood*)? What if i have to retake (*TOUCHWOOD*)?

Too many what-ifs. And as much as i know i shouldn't let these negative thoughts distract me from doing the only constructive thing now (i.e. study and redeem myself), i got caught in it.

So, to the part i actually intended to blog about, but had obviously digressed from. I decided to take a break from books and caught sight of the news about the MRT tragedy that occurred today.

You see, i had lunch with Brad and Loy after the exam, and on our journey home, we found that our train was halted for several minutes at every station. So we guessed there was some accident, or technical problem at one of the stations ahead. We finally reached the station where the incident happened. Which honestly, i have no idea which, since Brad insisted it was Kembangan station afterwards, and the article said it's at Bedok. And i was distracted when we were passing the station by some creepy Youtube videos Brad was showing us. So whether it was related or purely due to Youtube stuff, my hair were standing on end when i looked up from the video. We saw an empty train that was stopped halfway into the station, the police's blue-and-white cordons, and quite a number of SCDF personnel.

Our train moved off, and we were still clueless about what happened, except speculations of a suicide. Could even be a student who took the exams with us earlier.

So it was a suicide. But the article was brief, and nothing much was revealed about the man who was trapped under train. It seems that some people witnessed him jumping onto the tracks.

And then, i scrolled further down, and began reading a slew of comments by concerned readers. Sometimes, i find myself intrigued by the comments people make, and the heated debates they fervently discuss. And many a time, i find myself in disbelief at the calibre demonstrated by Singaporeans.

It's not that i'm advocating elitism, or conceited about my intelligence. But seriously.

First, the command of English was alarming. I'm fully aware that i must have made copious grammatical and expression errors on this blog, so i might not be one to speak. But i've always wondered how we are supposedly effectively bilingual, but many of us are strong at neither, and even inadequate at both. Some of the comments i've seen are really appalling. Incoherent, illogical and quite plainly shows no depth. If you (they) are eager to put in your two cents' worth, at least think it through before posting, lest it becomes a mockery. Plus, get a hold of yourselves, refrain from making senseless arguments, and resorting to hurling personal abuses when you find yourselves at a loss of words.

Next, the disparagement (and self-belittlement) of Singaporeans and the culture. Always, i read things like, "Singaporeans are all like that, cannot help it la", "..such selfish and kiasu people like Singaporeans". Not everyone is "like that" (whatever that is), please don't generalise. And i wish people would give it a break on kiasu-ism. C'mon, it's not a trait exclusive to Singaporeans, and other nationalities can demonstrate it at commendable levels as well. Just that many people are sharper at detecting kiasu acts by Singaporeans and reluctant to use this exclusive, local label on others.

I could go on, but this post is getting too lengthy.

But here are some highlights from the comments:

This one's a typical example of the dismissive generalisation i was mentioning.

"First of all singaporeans are so KIASU. If this guy fell of accidentaly, maybe he crossed the yellow line even before the train had entered the station.."

The same poster then continued at a later part.

"these kinda people are stupid and selfish. If someone
had pushed him accidentaly, the person who pushed him is such a selfish and kiasu person like most of the singaporeans."

Another, of utter incoherence..

"the one who comment ppl brainless say he is clever. So what if that you say is true that this guy choose to die by jumping down? Next time you call your kids this words first."

There's this one..

"Isn;t there a survelance camera that can view the whole platform. Somebody should be monitoring. If not enough, employ more ppl. Set a fine to those ppl who did not follow the rules on the waiting platform.It is expensive to hire ppl. It is more expensive that time taken over incident."

Very simplistic, no?

and then this..

"I was having exams at singapore expo today. Because of him the candidates in hall 7 got to enjoy an additional 15mins to finish their paper. I thank him on behalf of all the candidates who has benefited from this''

So someone else's death is something to be gleeful about? If this is humour, please..find something else to joke about. Call yourself an undergraduate. Very sensible and mature.

Okay! I'm sorry i got carried away. Pardon me if i offended anyone reading this, or if i bore you, but i was so stirred after reading those comments that i had to pen it down. Hopefully my own comments (intelligible or not) wouldn't elicit similarly negative sentiments.

Erps, ranting. Really. Must be the exam stress...

7 more days!

2010-04-29T23:35:00.001+08:00

So why do i act like i have time in abundance?

ps: The album's launching soon! Woohoos!

一闪而过//错过

2010-04-20T21:52:00.016+08:00

“你从我的视线一闪而过

而我还来不及掌握

只能愣着傻了不知所措。”

Seems like it's going to be a long while till i next see DE. I would be cooping myself up at home, in a bid to salvage myself from getting annihilated in the exam hall. Today's probably my last time in this month, though i'm still contemplating to make Thursday the last one instead. We'll see.

Today, i lingered, just to make it last. I permitted myself to stay for 2 rounds, before deciding i'm becoming a nuisance, and a seemingly dodgy one at that.

On the way, i spotted snails crawling onto the pathway. Some were squashed, very likely by people who didn't like to keep their eyes on the ground as i did. I was hit by a sudden inspiration. Here goes:

Hooray,

over is the rainy day,

and the snails are coming out to play,

but alas, alas, oh what a dismay,

if only they know to keep out of the blind feet's way.

I'm a great poet, right? I know.

只可惜你不像只蜗牛缓缓地走过，

让我可以看清你的轮廓。

kiss the rain? arghhh, not today.

2010-04-19T22:51:00.003+08:00

偏偏今天要下雨，

让我见不着想见的那个你。

Why why? Of all days, it had to rain this evening.

Wasted trip to the library. What's more, i dozed off hugging the thick textbook. How to catch up like that?

16 more days!

with skin thick as rhinoceros hide

2010-04-14T21:47:00.010+08:00

So i loitered at the park again. Two evenings after, at around the same time, back from a long day of lecture again.

I was about to give up hope, turning back to the path that leads home. But i dawdled, as if a mysterious force was tugging at me to slow down. I was guided, either by Fate, or by an unrelenting inner desire.

Seconds later, my plea was answered. District eye-candy (DE) showed up, jogging past.

(Hmm, i really like the name/label "DE". Makes it feel enigmatic and special. Shall keep using it from now.)

I might have been recognised for my cringeworthy act the other day, or it was purely by chance and coincidence, but our eyes met again.

For that half-a-second. And then i couldn't hold up to the heart-stopping exchange, and dropped my eye contact. I'm probably imagining things, but DE didn't look too happy to see me. I pray not. Maybe just tired from all the running. MAYBE it wasn't out of contempt, but a tinge of interest that DE actually looked at me.

Bah.. hello there, i'm Mr. Maybe, capable of fabricating infinite possibilities.

I scampered off after that, not wanting to linger and spawn suspicion by acting too dubiously. And being too obvious, of course, as if it wasnt already in the last encounter.

Now, i have a strong feeling that i have seen that face from some pictures, somewhere. But where? Facebook? Friendster from eons ago? Somewhere. Maybe it'll come to me soon.

I'm contemplating taking up jogging. But i really detest jogging. Really really. Swimming yes. I'd invite for a swim at my condo if i ever have the guts to ask.

If my speculation is right, DE will be appear at the park at around that time, every other day. But i don't really have any excuse to turn up at the park other than just passing by. Must i really go for jogs?

too much candy for the eye. disastrous!

2010-04-12T21:15:00.012+08:00

So i spotted the district eye-candy at the park on my way back from school. And decided to take a glance or two. It did not stop at two.

I was transfixed.

And it developed from a glance, casual at first, to a riveted gaze. I was short of being immobilised and goggling thoroughly. To the extent i could have walked straight into a lamppost. Well, almost. I veered off the sidewalk, and went astray onto the grass patch.

Then, she had to look over at this exact moment. Our eyes met. I flustered. I'm not sure i hid my incongruity well, but i did try my best to maintain my composure and keep any trace of guilt from my face. I whisked out my mobile and pretended to punch the buttons.

But, but.. it had got to be pretty obvious, don't you think? It must have been plain that i had been gawking. And you would think knocking into a lamppost can only happen on one of the implausible tv shows. This act of mine is close and just as moronic.

Stupid boy. Discreet, you know? Discreet! You had to be so conspicuous at it. Stupid boy!

Now, what am i going to do the next time i bump into her?

I pummelled myself all the way home.

i missed april's fool day. eleven days late.

2010-04-12T00:03:00.003+08:00

The song reminds me acutely of you. And i'm sorry it had to be a sad song.

It no longer stings, but i still still miss the way we breathe.

On a more sober note, i've been going at full throttle. The mileage could be better, that's for sure, but at least i'm no longer guilt-stricken. Just a bit there.

Project Cold Turkey has been working fine. Except for the occasional slip-ups, such as now. I derive motivation from my post-exams to-do list, though i'm pretty sure when the time come, i'd not be particularly thrilled. Post-exams are always accompanied by this void, almost like some withdrawal symptom. I'm sure you know.

That said, i'd have to admit that more of the stimulation stems from the fear of the imminent exams. At my doorstep in twenty-odd days. Brrrrr.

I should really get back to my books.

团圆饭

2010-03-20T16:51:00.002+08:00

餐桌上少了一个谁，就是不一样。

muggers' bane

2010-03-20T15:53:00.002+08:00

Internet's the muggers' bane. Mother of habits (msn, fb, youtube) hard to curb.

Just awhile more. Just a lil more.

But never enough.

Initiating: Project Cold Turkey.

of the days ahead

2010-03-10T20:34:00.006+08:00

I spent most of today drafting a study timetable for the remaining weeks leading up to my exams in May. I've decided that if i leave things as they are, unplanned and spontaneous, i'd likely squander my precious days away.

Whoa. Writing down all the undertakings i need to fulfil puts everything into perspective, and it ain't looking pretty. I fear that in my eagerness to cover all of the syllabi, i'm overestimating and overloading myself at the same time. Or possibly suffer a burnout halfway through.

Expel all negative thoughts!

Well, i can only say no pain no gain. I'm sure if i manage to see myself through the gruelling schedule, i'd be GODLIKE.

I'd have to draw motivation from somewhere, somehow, and keep myself going. Guess i'd flog myself, if i have to.

Come hither Discipline, wherever you are. Determination, i beg of you, stay with me.

hello discipline?

2010-03-09T00:10:00.001+08:00

Rarrrr, super unproductive.

Stupid boy.

Living the Dream

2010-03-06T14:29:00.002+08:00

Living the Dream, you're still not.

You need to eat, sleep, think, do, breathe it. You need to do more than just dreaming it up. More, as if your whole life depends on it. And it probably does.

And then, someday, you'd find it's no longer just a dream. You'd find that you're finally, truly, living it.

"Pussycat Dolls lose two members"

2010-03-02T22:35:00.009+08:00

How the heck did that make it to the BBC News (World Edition) feed?

Why would i care about how many Pussycat Dolls there are? (Especially when there is obviously only one doll, really.) If i wanted to know, i'd have gone to the Entertainment section. But world news?

C'mon, surely there are much more pressing news than this?

Like... "Money sharing comes to Facebook."

("People share their statuses, their information and their pictures on Facebook so the question is why not share money there too?")

Err, what?

mr hearsay.

2010-02-28T15:16:00.001+08:00

Do they know you? They don't even know me.

just fer laughs

2010-02-27T21:04:00.002+08:00

The jokes column finally had something funny.

I had a good hearty laugh.

Here you go.

Resume Boo-boos (taken from real resumes):
1. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
2. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
3. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
4. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
5. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

HAH!

记得／忘记

2010-02-23T21:39:00.002+08:00

人，总是太健忘。

那些美好的，你都能牢牢记住吗？

歌 · 唱

2010-02-20T22:07:00.003+08:00

那首歌，忘了该怎么唱。

到最后，我还是唱不下去。

赛跑

2010-02-18T14:49:00.003+08:00

Paper chase. Rat race.

How fun.

And right now, i'm caught in a frantic race against time. Can i run fast enough?

(Hiro Nakamura, a little help here?)

Come, grab your pom-pons and cheer me on.

Talk,

2010-02-12T02:14:00.002+08:00

don't let the silence eat me up, please.

Whether i deserve your comfort at all, or even your attention, your company..

..just say something?

not just a bad dream you can wake up from.

2010-02-12T02:03:00.003+08:00

Three years.

It's still haunting me, as bad as it did, three years back.

B C O? You're a joke.

And a very bad one, at it.

I've faltered. But i shall rise.

"Despair eats you up when you least expect it. Always stay vigilant!"

冷战

2010-02-08T20:37:00.003+08:00

我们都僵持着，谁也不对谁说话。

冷战打得好火热，无声得好可怕。

战果明显只有一个。

我想，我们都输了。

tendered.

2010-02-05T13:12:00.004+08:00

I just tendered, via email.

It was great working there. The people, the experience.

Before, i was sure i'd go back for sure. Now, i'm not as convinced anymore.

On my last day of work, i didn't know it could be my last. I thought it would be this month, and that i'd have ample time to bid the farewells. It was only when i was knocking off that i came to realise. So before i left the place, i informed the few who were around. I'd have to leave a message for the rest when i'm there again to return the inventory.

I'm not sure if i'd go back anymore. Because now that i'm no longer a part of the team, all the uncertainties clouded over. I can't see what's ahead; whether i'd want to go back after my break, and whether they'd welcome me back even.

We shall see.

But, but.. the fabulous people there, Sky people especially, you know that i adore you lot. So, don't pop the champagne bottle just yet. I might very well be back. Hurhur.

So now, a super long study break. I need to constantly remind myself that i'm a full-time student.

I've been very distracted these days. I try to devote all my waking hours on mugging, but those are severely encroached by music and the internet.

Full-time student, full-time student...

the crush

2010-02-05T10:52:00.003+08:00

Ahh, how i embrace the pain. So masochistic, i know.

I will not fool myself into believing otherwise. I will not construct any explanations or excuses. The maybes and the what-ifs.

Self-delusion only leads to more pain. Maybe not when the initial reassurance remains intact. But sooner or later, it will. And then, i don't think even i can withstand the crush.

No regrets there. I think i'd have done what i've done, if given a second chance at it. At least i do know how it is, as is.

I already hear the desperation inside, vehemently trying to convince me of an alternate truth.

C'mon. Deal with it.

crazy

2010-02-02T21:23:00.012+08:00

“

You drive me crazy

every move you make

every breath you take.

But nothing drives me crazier

than the fact that you're claimed.

”

revelation of the day

2010-01-29T21:35:00.002+08:00

Revelation: i feel the need to be tied down.

Not that i don't have enough on my hands to commit myself to, at the moment. The impending exams, for one, is more than enough to kill.

I'm asking for it, really.

start again

2010-01-29T21:10:00.003+08:00

I thought i've gotten over it. The photographs yanked me back to square one.

It's like a cycle.

I start all over again.

the kids

2010-01-17T13:50:00.008+08:00

Xinying drew me a riddle on a small piece of paper. She drew a rabbit, a bag of carrots, a fox, and a stickman called "You". They're on a plot of land, separated from another plot with a wide river running between. A little boat floated on the river.

She asked me how to get all of them to the other side of the river, if "You" was the only one who can row the boat, and "You" can only bring one passenger with you on. Without any further instructions, she leant back to watch me, a slight smirk on her face.

But, of course i know that the rabbit will feed on the carrots if left alone, just like the fox hungers for the rabbit. I know the steps to bring all of them across the river.

I gave Xinying the answer right away. She could not hide her disappointment on her face. I wondered if i should have feigned ignorance and let her show off.

"Ok," she said, "i give you one star for answering it correctly." After two seconds, she added an afterthought. "No, i don't give you any star."

Silly girl.

She's bright, really. She has been rattling off the multiplication tables lately. I attempted to confound her by interjecting some random figures while she was at it, but she managed to persist without faltering.

I guess it's not much of a feat for a 5-year-old. If i remember correctly, i was at her age when i memorised the tables. There was spanking involved, and i recall that more vividly than my age. My mum would bestow me a few strokes of the cane if i didn't get it right, every night during bedtime. Well, i'm sure Xinying didn't need the cane, so that's where she's better than me.

Her little brother, Kaikai, is 3. He is still learning to speak though, unlike his sister, who could speak since..2? But that's ok, i'm certain he's no less brilliant. He no longer calls me "小猪", but "小舅" now.

And he can operate the iPhone with more ease than some of my peers. No joke. He knows how to access and play the game apps downloaded specially for him, and can even rearrange the app icons on the screen. My 26-year-old brother didn't know that till i taught him. If you think Kaikai's merely fiddling around, like any toddler is capable of, you're wrong. I can tell that every tap he makes on the touchscreen is with intention; he knows what he wants.

The little rascal loves to climb on my bed and feign sleep, snoring loudly to imitate his dad. Or he'd hide under my blanket, and utter, "night night, 小舅". Then, Xinying would usually invite me to play campfire at this point. Or cooking. I'm always busy with them around.

Awww, i love kids. But i do think i'd make a lousy parent. My patience when babysitting seems to be just as long as the attention span of a kid. Haha.

Sidenote: i suppose the plane's landed hours ago. [飞机场的10:30]

an end to the drought

2010-01-15T00:00:00.003+08:00

I don't know.

Wasn't this what i'd wanted? An end to the drought.

Some aching to spice up my somewhat humdrum life. To validate that i'm not yet devoid. Or un—

Well, some pain to satisfy the occasional masochist residing in me. So that—

No. What am i saying? It's not pain i was after. It was something else. Always something else, something more. But it comes to this every time. Like a destiny i cannot elude.

If truth be told, i think there's a glitch in me. A character flaw. That's why.

A fate i can never escape from.

SSDD. Same shit, different day.

More like SSET. Same shit, every time.

But, oh well, at least the drought's over. Change is welcomed.

Here comes the downpour.

patched up.

2010-01-13T16:57:00.004+08:00

Settled.

All the jitter's gone. And guess what, the remedy was merely a phone call away. So simple, yet so effective.

You do need the right medicine (or treatment) for every malady. Too bad you don't get to see the doctor as and when you please.

Now, there's a rainbow hanging over me.

Thanks, doc!

two ends

2010-01-05T00:24:00.004+08:00

And it'll be hilarious if both ends of the line realise that the other side has been hesitating too.

Almost hilarious. Mostly tragic.

2010!

2010-01-04T23:30:00.008+08:00

I thought my first post of the year should be like almost everyone else, filled with new year wishes, retrospection and all. This came a bit late, but i hope it's not toooo late. The new year spirit is still lingering for some of us, i know.

Anyway, here goes..

HAPPY 2010!

It'll be a superb year. It will. We will not be plagued by disasters the likes of which we've seen in the past year, and the economy will be healthy once again... 2010 will be a great year. Believe in that.

Well, i've long given up on new year resolutions since i was ten. I never had the discipline to see them through, the resolutions. I remember in primary two, one of the resolutions in my list was to improve my handwriting. It didn't, and so carried over to primary three. Take a look at my scrawl any day, you'd know how much i've accomplished (failed to).

So to cut the story short, i abolished the futile practice of writing resolutions long ago. I save myself from being guilt-ridden every year.

But to the rest of the diligent folks who enjoy setting resolutions, keep it up! Push on. I can only imagine the taste of satisfaction when you strike something from the list.

Without the help of resolutions, i did manage to accomplish a thing or two in 2009, and some memorable events. My driving license. Having survived the 2-year ordeal and being brought back to life. Taiwan trip with two best pals. Having what seems to be the longest break i've ever had in my entire life - months, can you imagine? (But that part was hardly memorable, seeing as i didn't do a lot of things really, just bumming around. Thought it's worth a mention.)

So it's January already. I'm two months behind my schedule. There's a project i have to present in February and i'm zero right now. Panic has managed to stir something inside, and it will not relent until i get moving.

Move, you idiot.

I hadn't intended for this new year 1st post to be this long. Shall stop here.

2010 will be a good year.

ps: One of the resolutions i would set for myself this year, if i'd coerce myself into it, is to have a healthy bedtime routine. No more late nights, i keep telling myself. But late nights, i'm still doing. Regret is almost inevitable every morning.

Fate

2009-12-16T23:03:00.002+08:00

Do you believe in Fate?

I do.

Like if it isn’t raining, you wouldn’t get stuck waiting under a shelter. Then, when the downpour subsides to a light drizzle, and you ain’t paying attention to your inner voice, you wouldn’t know the right time to leave. You wouldn’t be at the traffic light junction at the right moment, waiting, while everything favourable falls into place. You wouldn’t reach the train station at the right instant.

If not for the fact that Fate somehow tipped off your inner voice, you wouldn’t know you’re at the wrong end of the platform, and decide to stroll over to the other end while waiting for the train to arrive. Because of pure chance, or so which Fate wants you to presume, you would pick out the familiar figure from the corner of your eye.

And thanks to Fate, you’d be going the same way, of course.

I do believe in Fate, i do.

And my inner voice.

未完成

2009-12-02T23:46:00.002+08:00

一想到你就忘了呼吸

完美就是你

tearjerker

2009-11-10T21:39:00.008+08:00

My grandpa beckoned me to his room just now, and passed me a bunch of keys to try to unlock a cupboard that has been sitting in his room untouched for years.

The keys felt a little greasy, and the overpowering smell of medicated oil in his room explained everything. I tried, but the keys won't fit. I passed them back to him, and he went to his drawer to find the keys. His eyesight's failing him these days (or rather, years), so he had to feel around the drawer, as if groping in the dark. I reckon that he can only perceive shadows of his surroundings now, and probably won't be able to see much half a meter away.

I caught sight of another bunch of keys, and tried those too. They didn't work. So my grandpa handed me the first set of keys again, to let me confirm again. I almost shrugged the keys off, before i realised there was a key i hadn't notice earlier. So i tried again. It did work, silly me.

Then, he instructed me to open another locked drawer at the bottom of the cupboard. I studied the interior of the cupboard, since the last time i had a close look was probably when i was smaller than ten. There was nothing much inside, only a rattan fan, some old clothes, and a quaint-looking ornament.

I unlocked the drawer, managing to do so at the first attempt this time. There were small booklets and two copies of certificates, all aged and yellow. Those were copies of passports and identity documents used in the early years of Singapore, i presumed. In one of the booklets, i caught sight of the photo attached to it - my grandfather in his twenties. I handed them to him, not knowing until then what exactly he was looking for.

During the progression, i felt tears welling up, cued for by some inexplicable factors i somehow had no control over.

Was it the rattan fan, my late grandma's favourite? I remember when i was young, i would use the fan too. Occasionally, i'd fan for my grandma. And she would fan me to sleep while i rest my head on her lap. To date, nothing triggers my tears faster and as effortlessly as whenever i think about my grandmother. It never fails to do so, every time.

Or could it be how old-school the cupboard is? (They don't make cupboards like that anymore.) And how i used to see my grandma open it every so often to store her stuff in the past?

Or was it my grandpa's black-and-white photograph of him? When he was young and robust, with no indication that he would one day be frail and vulnerable, and so precariously on the verge of blindness.

It could even be the summation of all of the above, producing a tearjerking effect too formidable to resist. I don't know.

Old age is so dreary. I want Peter Pan Syndrome to last.

And i miss my grandma. Very.

ps: I didn't cry; i'm not the crybaby you probably think of me. Just saving up my tears for the next time i reminisce again.

night.walk

2009-11-01T23:02:00.003+08:00

So i waited at the bus-stop for the bus that never came. I was certain that i was safe, with the last bus arriving half an hour later, according to the board at the bus-stop. But i was deceived, and ended up waiting like a fool for half an hour.

Then, the lights went out on me. It was almost like an omen, but i shrugged it off. I held on to my belief there would still be other buses coming. One finally came, and i hopped on.

It didn't drop me off straight at the doorsteps to my house, of course; the one i had been waiting for, would have. Nevertheless, it was good enough. I alighted at the interchange at Hougang, and continued the rest of the journey home on foot. Sure, i could have just cabbed home, but i was more than certain that the midnight charges would not go easy on my already under-nourished wallet.

Whilst the interchange is considered pretty near my house, it is still more than a stone's throw away. The walk home was pleasant, though. I appreciated the tranquility in the dead of the night, a far-cry from the hustle and bustle in the day; the slumbering city is alluring in its own way.

The streets were mine, solely. Almost. There were other wanderers as well, but i took little notice of them, even as they slunk away on their own ways.

There was a gentle night breeze, which accompanied me for most of the journey. It kept me from perspiring, which would probably have dampened my mood at least a little. And the gentle rustling of leaves augmented the soothing effect of the songs playing on my iPod.

I liked it.

I think i'll engage in more of such leisure saunters, in the dead of the night.

ugly inside

2009-10-29T22:00:00.003+08:00

I headed home from school slightly later than usual today, after a meal at NP. It was already peak period when i board the bus, but i managed to get a seat (thankfully, because i had intended to take a nap). I couldn't get to sleep though, and people-watched instead. It got boring after awhile.

Then, i spotted an elderly man board the bus, standing at a spot several seats in front of mine. I was contemplating if i should give up my seat, cause the bus was really packed, and he'd have difficulty jostling his way through. I finally decided that precisely since it was jam-packed, i couldn't let him get sandwiched and have him stand throughout the bumpy ride.

So, i stood up and waved to get his attention, before asking him to take my seat. I had a bit of a hard time getting out, and was thoroughly relieved that i did not accidentally tread on somebody's foot.

I turned to see if the old man was managing his way through. But guess what? While he was moving towards the seat, this eff-ed up lady moved in swiftly after me and took the seat! The poor guy was just about three seconds late. Luckily, someone else nearby saw this, and gave up his seat too.

I took a good look at the woman, probably in her twenties. She was rather well-dressed, but really, garments can only do so much. Like, she was ugly inside, and no amount of outfits or adornment can conceal that. She was completely nonchalant about it, but i guess it takes someone with really thick hide to commit such a selfish act in the first place.

It was not as if i hadn't expressed my intention for the elderly man to take my seat. I would have been mad at myself if i'd left my seat silently, and let my purpose go misunderstood. It was such an explicit invitation to the old man! Not her, that cow.

She was really unbelievable.

Unbelievably ugly.

说谎

2009-10-27T18:34:00.002+08:00

我哪有说谎请别以为你有多难忘

笑是真的不是我逞强。

我没有说谎是爱情说谎

它带你来骗我说渴望的有可能有希望。

Awesome, 林宥嘉.

Can't wait.

zzZZzzZZzz

2009-10-19T23:22:00.004+08:00

I can feel the fatigue right to my bones. I can feel the sleepiness, sitting under my eyebags.

I'm supposed to be studying. But i'm succumbing to the Z-monster. Would i be able to wake up early enough tomorrow morning?

I'm not getting any more adept at juggling school and work. Now, before i drop any of the balls...

Test tomorrow. Help.

getting somewhere.

2009-10-10T21:28:00.003+08:00

I went to NLB the other day, since i had free time in my pocket. It was after school, and dinner with the 3105 mafs was going to be hours later. I decided against going home and then coming out again; it was too much of a hassle, aside from being a waste of time. I tried to look for useful texts for my units, but found out that most of them are classified under the reference section. I found nothing for bedtime reading too, not that i have the luxury of doing any lately. So i headed to the study lounge at Level 5, and was fortunate to find a space for myself.

I spent the remaining time solving a particular tricky math question i did not manage to complete during lecture. I was trying out an alternative method to solving it, but couldnt derive the same terms as the suggested answer. Thankfully, i managed to arrive at the answer before pulling out all my hair. Which i was very close to doing, really. It had been close to three years since i've seriously done math, and i'd almost forgotten the satisfaction that comes with successfully solving tough questions. There was an uplifting effect that lasted... half an hour. Oh well, not exactly like chocolates, but it was a great feeling all the same.

浴室是一个好奇妙的地方。那里，灵感像从莲蓬头涌出来的水一样源源不绝。在浴室里的你我，可能也是自己觉得最自在的时候。

I think i'm finally heading somewhere.

many updates

2009-09-24T00:22:00.002+08:00

The birthday came and went. It's getting even more uneventful by the years. But i did receive useful presents this year; ang baos, crumpler laptop bag and a wallet which arrived right on cue to replace the one that was recently lost.

It was heartwarming to receive all the birthday messages and wall posts, even from friends i've not been contacting as much as i'd like to. I've thanked everyone separately (i don't think i missed out anyone, did i), but i'd like to thank one and all again here.

Hmm, but you did forget afterall. Oh well.

I don't feel any more 21 than i ought to. Nothing's changed, and i think that is a fortunate thing. I don't know about you, but Peter Pan syndrome can be quite a good thing. Well, if it's not making it harder to get a girlfriend, that is. I strongly suspect that i look too much of a young boy to the girls out there, making me an immediate strike-off from their potential boyfriend list. Well, at least i'm matured(and getting more so, i hope) enough.

I thought i'd have a good rest on my birthday week, as a treat, so i did not roster myself for work. It wasn't eventful, as i mentioned, i don't even recall how i spent it.

Then, all the school work came crashing down on me. There was (is) really a lot to catch up with, and keeping a part-time job is no excuse for not committing sufficient time on my studies, i know. I tried my best to do some catching up, and there were fruitful moments, amidst all the distractions and fatigue. It felt real good to clear the assignments one by one. There is still a lot more to keep up, but i try not to think of it.

And i've passed my guided tour assessment! I was doing last minute cramming on the night before, and only managed to memorise the script after midnight. Lucky the lack of sleep did not take a toll on my memory during the assessment, though my nerves got to me. I wasn't too sure i'd pass, since i stuttered now and then. It was a huge load off my back; i was apprehensive about spending time memorising again for re-assessment should i have failed. But i'm glad i did pass. Pheeww!

Working over the Hari Raya weekends was fun. Since it was super peak period, we were kept real busy, but it was enjoyable all the same.

Last update for today. I finally got to settle the replacement of my IC and driving license, and i shopped around after i was done. Curiously, i visited a couple of the new malls, Orchard Central and Ion. Checking out malls seems to be only natural when you're a secondary school or JC student. I've had little time/chance to hang out with anyone in the past few months. Anyway, i spent quite a bit on expanding my wardrobe selection, so that i would not have to spend so much time every morning, inventing new combinations of clothes from the limited pile, or trying to recall what i've worn to school recently to avoid repetition. I think i'd go shop for more, when i can find the time. But before that, i'd have to rid my cupboard of all the clothes i hardly wear, cause it's taking so much space i have to seriously dig for clothes all the time.

Till the next update!

ps: I have no idea what's wrong with my tagboard. And i'm lazy to fix it.

kinda too late to throw a party

2009-09-11T16:41:00.005+08:00

Just a day before the big day, and nope, i have not sent out any fancy invitation cards and whatnot.

I did consider thoroughly whether to throw a party or not, and Marianne did a good job at tempting me to have one. My brother suggested too, a few days after i've confirmed with Marianne that i won't be organising a bash. That roused my temptation again, but my laziness prevailed. It always does; i'm almost proud of it.

I'm lazy to crack my brains deciding where to hold the event, what sort of entertainment to provide, and all the nitty-gritty details. I'm lazy to have to send out invitations to all my friends, from primary school all the way up to army days (Yes, i know a solution is to be selective and pick only certain small groups of friends, but i dont believe in holding exclusive birthday parties. All my friends are significant in their own respect.) And then, i'm lazy to have to consolidate the attendance (I know again, that facebook makes life easier on this, but i notice that the "awaiting reply" list is usually the longest.)

Sad to say, i'm also worried about the turnout. I imagine there would be few people attending, pitifully few. Yeah, i know this fear is fictitious and unnecessary, but it's always a possibility right?

So yes, i'm not throwing a birthday bash for my 21st.

To all: if you're nice enough and want to meet-up, contact me!

Haha, and i include my current wishlist, to save all of you from having to think much:

#1: ipod touch accessories, eg. screen protector.

#2: crumpler's school hymn 13" (green).

#3: clothes, shirts and pants and all. my wardrobe is a joke, and definitely limited.

#4: wallet. since i just lost mine yesterday.

#5: external hard disk, at least 500GB. haha, demanding, aren't we?

#6: meet-ups with friends. priceless.

..did i mention clothes?

Alternatively, you may wish to contribute to the QC funds, that would be good. In case the kind soul fails to show up, i would need to replace all my cards that i lost along with the wallet. Replacement fees are going to take up a month's pay. =(

Ok, i feel immensely immodest to solicit by putting up the wishlist above. Oh well. All in the name of saving you guys the trouble to think.

I like surprises too. And really, i've never felt the need for presents to be costly. It's definitely the thought that counts (see #6.) So, no need to feel obliged to adhere to the list, ya?

Hah! Like anyone of you would feel "obliged to".

Cheers!

re-ignite

2009-09-11T00:20:00.004+08:00

I thought I've gotten over it, but it re-ignited with a bout of heart-pounding. And not relenting still, 25 minutes later.

Should i keep my hopes sky-high, or make a turnaround when i'm still sober?

I was this close to giving up. This close. And you had to haul me back to square one.

Sidetrack: Since it's been long since i've blogged, i think i ought to give some updates.

#1: I've finally switched to Mac. And definitely loving it. My mbp is my new baby. (This is the first post on my mbp. Woohoos!)

#2: School's fine. I'm not spending enough time on my studies though. Shall cut down on my working hours.

#3: I just lost my wallet today, most probably in campus. But i have no idea when it slipped out of my pocket. I tried to retrace my steps, back to the lecture room and all. No wallet. Please let a kind soul pick it up and return it to me.

And, it's still pounding.. 1 hour!

Some Observations

2009-08-16T00:07:00.003+08:00

On the train, back home from work, i didn't take a nap as i'd usually do. Instead, i indulged in people-watching, which wasn't fruitful at all today. The only slightly interesting character i've noticed was this remarkable elderly man who darted into the carriage with agility, speed and vigour that would put youngsters nowadays to shame. After he had victoriously claimed his throne, i saw on his face signs of utmost relief and a sense of self-justification. No doubt it wasn't a shameful act (well, not entirely), but his expression seemed to indicate otherwise.

What caught my attention most was the sulk on his face. You know, how some people have such a negative outlook on life, so much that it shows on the exterior? Give them a few years to cultivate that kind of negativity, and it will reflect on their faces as permanent sulks. That was the kind of sulk i saw on that man's face. Whether intentionally (to deter people from messing with him), or unknowingly (a careless negligence to maintain a pleasant disposition and appearance), it was there to stay.

I got home, too lazy to buy some food, yet too hungry to ignore my stomach any longer. I decided to have some bread for dinner, since i am no culinary expert and my house is simply devoid of food that is ready-to-eat, or at least, easy to prepare. The baguette loaf that i bought a couple of days ago had hardened, so that it was very much like i was eating rocks. But i was really too hungry to care. I don't suppose there are better storage methods that would tackle this problem, are there?

And then, i almost fell asleep, standing by the basin and waiting for the kettle of water to boil. I brewed some green tea, but it did little to invigorate me. I'm drawing nearer to concluding that i am immune to the stimulating effects of caffeine.

I might really have slimmed down, as Naf had pointed out the other day at Sonia's birthday bash. Either that, or i've not worn my pair of jeans for so long that i forgot how loose-fitting it is. My jeans was slipping down my butt with every step i take. If i hadn't pulled it up after every three steps, i'm positive it would eventually drop to my ankles. I don't remember having so much trouble with my jeans on previous occasions though. High time to buy fitting jeans, for once; i've been meaning to, but i just couldn't find the time.

I hope that Naf was wrong. If you have eaten with me, you'd know how tremendous my appetite is. But i still can't seem to beat my metabolism. Trust me, i'm working hard at gaining weight.

Help me. Stuff me up.

note to all

2009-08-10T01:03:00.004+08:00

Hello all,

I think I have no life. Can you save me?

Thanks
QC

applying brake

2009-08-10T00:38:00.003+08:00

I need to reconsider my life.

My inner voice has been trying to tell me that I'm not doing it right. I have to heed it this time; I've been turning a deaf ear on it for far too long.

Now, where should I start..
[please remind me not to procrastinate on this.]

king of?

2009-08-09T00:45:00.004+08:00

I'm the king of procrastination.

I remember there were many things I'd wanted to blog about, but didn't. So many I've forgotten most of them by now.

Like the Taiwan trip last month? It was awesome, and I really wanted to record everything down- the places we visited, the curious things we saw, the thoughts I had, and the highlights of the trip. But oh well, it is already a month since I got back from the trip, let's forget about blogging the details, shall we? Anyway, just for my own sake in the future when I want to reminisce: Mr. J, Mr. Qute, pandas, wooden guitar, shopping spree, night markets, keep-to-the-right, walking down the small alley back to hotel after dark on every night.

There were quite a lot of other things I'm missing out, other than the trip. Can't remember though.

In my defence, it was not entirely out of pure laziness (though it's undeniably the main culprit) that I failed to update my blog. There was my part-time job, remember? It took up quite a big proportion of my July.

And I have to work tomorrow! And on every non-school day for the rest of this month. Which means I'm actually spending much more time working than studying. Talk about full-time studies, part-time job.

I'm the king of procrastination, really. I just mentally ran through my to-do list, and recalled tasks I was supposed to complete a couple of months ago. I hope I'd be able to find time to clear off these bad debts, but the prospects are not looking great since I'm bogged down with school and work.

I've jotted down the to-do list on a piece of paper. If I can manage to keep the paper well, and submit myself to self-discipline, I should be able to accomplish all of them. Erm, soon..

Lastly, Happy National Day!

ps: maybe i'll catch the fireworks on the gondola after my shift.

our soundtrack

2009-08-04T20:59:00.003+08:00

As I hear the soundtrack, I feel like you're beside me once again. As though I'm back in the cinema theatre, and you're sitting next to me, with only the armrest in-between us.

At some point of time during the show, our arms brushed gently against each other. And then, I was reassured that it was all real, not just a dream.

It was so long ago, yet I could remember so vividly how it felt. The bliss, the urge to turn around to gaze at you instead of the big screen. It was real, and surreal at the same time.

Like right now, I can't distinguish between real and surreal, my definitions significantly blurred.

back to school

2009-08-03T23:40:00.001+08:00

First day of school tomorrow. I'm freaking out a little.

pyjamas bear has moved out

2009-08-03T22:46:00.001+08:00

Actually, he didnt move out. I finally gave him away.

I hope the new owner is taking good care of him right now. The last time I saw teddy at his new home, he seemed to be comfortable and settling down well.

And I hope teddy will help watch over his new owner, and be a good companion in my place.

what i've been missing out

2009-08-03T22:11:00.001+08:00

I've been giving this a lot of thought recently, especially after I've started working last month. Work's crazy, I feel a lot like I'm doing full-time instead of being a part-timer.

Whenever I could steal the chance to muse, in between the rides, I would wonder what the rest of my friends are doing. And what I would be spending my time on, if not for this job. Something fruitful? Or lazing around, like I did before starting on my job, with plans so grand I couldn't seem to be able to muster the much required self-discipline?

And I watched as people of my age run all over the place, participating in orientation activities I should be doing as well. Should be, but giving it a miss, with only the lousy excuse that I'm busy working.

I saw an assortment of photos and videos on Facebook. All the gatherings I've never been invited, all the intimate exchanges between my friends on their walls, all the familiar faces I've not seen in a long time, all the people I've been denied of the chance to befriend. It's all there, littered all over my homepage.

It's all there, to sting and mock at me. To remind me what I've been missing out.

leaving on a jet plane

2009-06-28T23:06:00.003+08:00

I lost count of how many times I've used this same title on the blog already. 2 or 3..?

But anyway, it should be plain obvious that I'd be flying overseas. Yes, in the thick of this flu pandemic. Hope there wont be infected passengers on my flight ya?

I'm heading to Taipei. Woohoos! 5 days 4 nights.

I'll try to get some new clothes so I wont have to keep wearing to school the same, limited stuff in my wardrobe. Try. I detest trying on clothes, I dont know why. Usually, I'd try my best to avoid the fitting room, and buy straight off the shelf. I know that's not the way to go at it, and I'll need to overcome this psychological shit somehow, someday. Just that I dont think it'll be during this trip.

Anyway, see you lot soon!

Newsflash: In Tasmania, some kangaroos have been getting into legally-grown poppy fields and chewing on the plants. The result is a group of wallabies on high, jumping around in circles, thus creating crop circles. Hilarious!

sleepstand

2009-06-28T22:51:00.004+08:00

I met Shawn the other day on the train. He had his eyes shut when I tapped on his shoulder, and I felt sorry that I did. It was apparent that he was really sleeping from the way he roused and opened his eyes at me.

So we said hi, exchanged some updates, and I told him to go back to sleep, cause he looked real groggy. And so he did.

For the rest of the journey, I watched in amazement how he managed to sleep and stand at the same time. Even when the train jerked, he managed to keep himself steady.

I need that skill. I remember once I fell asleep on the train while leaning against the glass panel. I was slowly drifting to sleep, and when I was on the verge of it, my legs gave way. My knees buckled and I slided down the panel a little, before I woke up and prevented an absolute humiliation. But it had to be pretty obvious to anyone who might be looking in my direction, so I kept my head down and acted nonchalant.

It would be useful to acquire that skill, dont you think? Way better than sleepwalking. And then next time on my way to school, I can make up for the sleep lost due to late nights. Think I'll call on Shawn one of these days to impart his skill.

OJT

2009-06-28T20:29:00.004+08:00

Day 1
I fought an overwhelming urge to sleep in and not turn up for training. I knew it was my last chance of backing out from the job. So, it was a struggle defying the dread of starting work and the lure of heading back to dreamland. But I did crawl out of bed eventually.

Thanks to my estimations and planing the night before, I managed to reach in time. I had no idea where the office is, and gratefully stalked another staff into the fort. But then, she turned to walk down a platform, with a sign beside it indicating that it leads to the toilets. So I decided not to appear to be a pervert stalking her all the way to the toilet, and went on to find my own way. I climbed all the way up the hill, and found no office. Then, I called the office to confess that I got lost. The office turned out to be just beside the toilets.

Awkward introduction all over again. Made new friends, observed them at work. Day 1 was relaxing.

Day 2
I woke up in time, but spent too much time trying to fix my hair. They're not too happy with my grooming, as having hair across the forehead is unacceptable. Anyway, I couldnt remedy it, and left home so late that I had to take a cab.

From three yesterday, it was down to two of us. The other guy was told that he's unsuitable for the job, and that he need not come anymore.

Got deployed to station 2 the whole day, this time not just as an observer, but to learn hands-on. It was terrific mingling with the guests, I think I finally remembered what I've signed up for.

It was super humid. I got sweaty and sticky just standing there. A couple of guests shared that they love the hot and humid weather here. Aside from that, day 2 was great, made more new friends, and I felt more settled in.

Day 3
From two, it was down to one. Which means, just me left. The girl reported last night that she was unwell.

Had to reach very early to learn how/where to collect the office keys. Way too early. But luckily I was punctual.

Also had to learn to do opening, the gates and all. It rained early in the morning, and I was thankful for that. Doing the opening meant walking through all the grounds, and it was cool enough that we didn't break a sweat. Did closing as well, later in the evening.

The wet, gloomy weather persisted. There were noticeably fewer guests compared to yesterday. Those who came despite the miserable (not miserable to me) weather were treated with light drizzles, on and off. I saw quite a few of them still exploring around in the rain.

Was deployed to the remaining two stations. Once again, thanks to the rainy day, I was spared from having to endure the full blast of the sun in my face. I tried the spiel, and I think it was a bit of a flop. Need to practice more at night!

Most of the staff today were from my first two days, and I definitely felt more at home by now.

Day 4
Assessment day. And it was really down to just one; the girl had apparently informed that she won't be coming anymore.

I was assessed on everything I've learned: opening, closing, various stations, spiel, etc. I think I did ok, or at least the rest did not tell me how much I suck right in my face. Except for the spiel part. Arghhh. Too ashamed to bring it up.

So I did pass. And they finally disclosed my posting. I wasn't thrilled at the news; it was one of those I was praying hard not to get. But oh well, shit happens, and I was prepared for it. Besides, it isn't entirely shit, I guess. It should be better than I thought.

And I got my temp staff pass, as a result of passing my assessment. Woots!

ps: Let it be better than I thought, please.

ring ring.

2009-06-19T22:17:00.004+08:00

It's a day of phone calls today. Woke up to 4 missed calls. And then there were 3 other phonecalls that were either important, or made my day.

OJT on Monday. I've been waiting all week for them to contact me.

It's funny how you can be so despondent and close to giving up on all hopes at one moment, and then be so optimistic at the very next.

Anyway, thanks for asking.

绝

2009-06-19T02:42:00.005+08:00

绝望突然来袭防卫却不堪一击
抗拒得好无力
而它放纵得不留一点残余

绝望突然来袭让我输得好彻底
空气缠绕着低迷
在当中我迷失了自己

...and back!

2009-06-13T23:07:00.004+08:00

Back from orientation!

Cineblast? No.
Awkward? Check.

It was way too awkward. I did try to strike up conversations with the other two newcomers, but it was just three lines at best. The other staff probably think we were awfully quiet too. All I could do whenever one of them tells us to loosen up was to give a weak smile in return.

In the midst of all the awkward silence, however, I had a lot of time to muse about the job. I can definitely see myself doing this, although I do feel some trepidation while observing the standards that I'd have to be on par with or even surpass. I'm rather worried about the work shifts I'd have to commit, especially when school starts, come August. Without any inkling on how my timetable is going to be like, I'm uncertain if I can manage to clock enough work hours.

Besides, I think I might need more time to adjust back to being a student again, meaning I'll need to revv up my long-rested brain. More importantly, I'm venturing into a course I'm not exactly acquainted with. Sigh..

Anyway, the orientation, while exceedingly awkward, was rather enjoyable overall. The staff is pretty awesome, as far as i can tell, so I think it'll be a fun working experience with them.

Our guide for the afternoon, while explaining to just the three of us newbies at the museum, ended up giving a free guided tour for a family of three. He had quite a large following at some point, but the family were the only loyal ones who tagged along until the end. Thumbs up for his composure, though I don't know if he's too seasoned already to even break a sweat.

I probably won't be assigned to do guided tours anytime soon, but whoa. I sense information overload in the future.

Orientation: the new islander

2009-06-13T00:36:00.004+08:00

I'm going for staff orientation tomorrow at Sentosa, and i honestly don't know what to think or feel about it.

Bah, orientations. I've conducted them and I'm comfortable with that, but I'm not sure if I make a good participant though.

I guess it'll be cool to check out all the attractions, some of which I've never visited before. But imagine taking the Cineblast ride with utter strangers beside you. Would I still be thoroughly immersed in the experience, or merely sit there soaking in the awkwardness? I know we're all supposed to be "outgoing people who enjoys interacting with others", as required for the job. But how outgoing should we be? And I remember after the interview, all of us applicants went on our ways without another glance at each other. "Enjoys meeting new people"? Yeah right. On the other hand, I was glad none of us were hypocrites and acted friendly for the sake of it.

I can take quite long to warm up to new people and environment. That said, I can be remarkably adaptable if I want to. It all depends on whether the autism in me decides to be dominant or not, or whether the social animal inside wants to emerge. Pretty bipolar, huh?

I'm quite thrilled about starting work there, really. But I'm still trying hard not to think about the embarrassing blunders I might make as a newbie. And the travelling time/distance, even though yes, I know NEL is pretty convenient.

Oh, and the interviewer suggested I'd need to cut my hair to look more presentable. And I thought I have finally outgrown the stingy guidelines back in schools and in the army.

I recall that the trip to Sentosa on the day of the interview was rather surreal. In a sense, I've never felt that way about the island despite having been there on countless occasions. It felt a lot like I was looking at the place through someone else's eyes. Then I thought, "What? I really might be working here in the future?"

Hell yeah. You got that right, boy.

the bear in pyjamas

2009-06-09T22:43:00.006+08:00

I talk to the teddy every night before I sleep. And then in the morning when I wake up, I'd give him a pat on the head.

But something from the expression on his face tells me, he wants to stay with you instead.

He wants to be by your side. Much as I do too.

But I don't think I can. Teddy will have to go in my stead.

I wish I know how you are, and what you are doing. I kept asking Teddy, but he won't tell.

One Year Later, Light Years Ahead

2009-06-08T23:17:00.003+08:00

WWDC 2009 is commencing in less than 2 hours!

I'll be giving the live coverage of the Keynote a miss, cause it's at 1am when I'd be cosy in bed, and I doubt I'd have optimal transmission anyway. So, I'll just catch up with updates from the Apple websites I've been following, the instant I wake up tomorrow.

I'm itching to know when Snow Leopard is finally going to be launched. And whether there'd be updates for the Macbook line, though it may not be covered during this WWDC. Of course, much of the spotlight would be on the iPhone, which has been garnering loads more rumours and hype than all the other Apple products recently. I'm not too concerned over the prospects of a new iPhone; I'm more than pleased with my hand-me-down iPod Touch, albeit missing out on new features offered by the later generations.

I can't wait to make the switch to Mac. And of course, I'd make full use of the "Back to School" promotion. It's till September, so if I actually hold back my purchase till then, it'd be a birthday present for myself. Or if anyone wants to give me a surprise, I won't decline. Well, anyone?

the 1's. the one.

2009-05-22T02:16:00.004+08:00

That made my day. That did, and I'm going to bed with a smile because of you.

And probably lie awake for a long while, still smiling to myself.

[My wait was worthwhile. It doesn't matter how jittery it feels, waiting for the right moment to make my move. And then waiting, again, for the response.

I braced myself for a major crash, but that did not come. The response did. The signal did not go dead as I feared. My wait was worthwhile.]

Thank you.

And I don't know if you've noticed, it always happens on the 1's on the chart.

Thank you, 1's. I'm looking forward to the next you. =)
And going to bed. With a smile.

心腐化

2009-05-16T22:25:00.004+08:00

带不走的丢不掉的
让大雨侵蚀吧

随着冷的湿的
心腐化