Monday, April 07, 2014

The Absolute in Life

The other day, i was just wondering aloud to a friend whether i should shut down my blog for good.

As you (as in you, the non-existent reader) can see, i haven't been spending much time around here. Rather than let it wither in neglect, why not let it rest for good? And bury the past along with it. (It's not like i have a shameful history, but the posts i've written as a teenager, the prepubescent funk in them... everything's just too mortifying. I shudder even as i think about it now.)

But here i am, seeking solace in this trusted sanctuary.

See, there's this song that really speaks to me at this moment. I was going to post it on Facebook, just to mark the significance it has on me on this day. So that when i once again feel how i feel now, i can look back and see that, hey, i was in the exact situation before, and now i've come full circle. Hooray. And then, perhaps, i'd find it easier to pick myself up and move on. Since... it's not the first time anymore, right?

I stopped myself.

I hate that i have to self-censor myself on my own social account, but i try to be as interesting and un-annoying as best as i can. Just to, you know, be social. (How, you ask, but that's another story.)

Besides, i really don't want to feed the preposterous impression some others have of me as an "emo kid". It's come to a point, if you dare harbour deeper thoughts than, say, what you're going to have for lunch, you'd be labelled "emo". It's quite a stigma to me. So i really want to avoid that, lest i turn from "emo" to "angst" in a finger-snap.

Long story short: i won't close down this blog. Yet.

It remains a private space for me to put away my thoughts. (Yes, i know it's really public, but no one reads, save for some unknown statistics from faraway places like Russia (?!?) as my blogger dashboard tells me.)

So back to why i'm here. A few reasons, actually.

Yesterday, i saw that the Unreachable has returned. Still as unattainable as before, but i felt a deep relief that it's came back within sight. I remain on my square, contented.

Today, someone used "The Emperor's New Clothes" as an analogy. We all know the story; the foolish emperor walked around town, stark naked, thinking that he'd donned the most exquisite garment ever. Put that in another scenario though, maybe we need that remarkable self-belief. To convince others, we first need to convince ourselves. The emperor truly believed that he's the best dressed man, and thus, was comfortable in his own skin (literally, but let's ignore this bit). So anyway, the moral of today's story: Conviction.

I need that.

And lastly...

Ok, you see, the thing with thoughts is that they are oftentimes so fleeting that you just can't catch hold of them.

So... i've failed to record my sentiment before it scooted off with the passing moment. The last bit has escaped me.

But, very vaguely, the lines that i'd quickly jot down before i went with the flow above and lost myself in it:

I bid my time, cause that seems the only thing i can do right now.

I wait.

I can wait.

But who's waiting on the other end?

Time won't wait. Life won't wait.

And that's what's absolute in life.

Friday, August 09, 2013

An Intro to Introverts

And while we're at it, here's another list.

(Extracted from: 27 Problems Only Introverts Will Understand)
(not sure why the lines start with "When", but heck.)

3. When your friend wants to invite more people over, and you don't want to sound like a dick by saying no.

4. When spending a heavenly weekend alone means that you're missing out on time with friends.

5. And the fear that by doing so, you're slowly turning into a hermit.

8. When people stop inviting you places because you keep cancelling plans.

9. Too many social obligations + no alone time = a total grump.

16. When you have to deal with that one friend who always wants to hang out, and you always have to say this: "I kind of want to spend some time by myself."

18. When people pressure you to be more social, whether you like it or not.

20.When you're trying to get something done at work, but you can't because everyone else is talking.

24. When someone interrupts your thoughts, and you get irrationally angry.

27. Introverts are misunderstood constantly, but you know this to be true: "I'm not mad or depressed or antisocial, I just need to not talk to anyone for a while. And that's ok."

For more on introverts, check out one of my earlier blog posts: Of myths and misfits

Still Learning to Live

(Extracted from: 45 Life Lessons Written by a 90-Year-Old)

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

19. It’s never too late to be happy.  But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

And Learn.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Question of Life

Some people live for the food. Some feel alive when they travel. Many others undertake the lifelong mission to provide for their family, and derive joy from seeing that their loved ones are well and happy.

Me, i don't really know what i live for.

When i was younger, and a student, it was to study hard, get good grades and see myself to university. Now that's done, that purpose in life has long evaporated.

I thought i live for music. But i haven't gotten to the point i eat, sleep and dream music. Plus the fact i still find it hard to muster discipline to put some hours in front of the piano.

I'm a writer, but i doubt i live for words too.

I write. I pour my soul out in paper and ink (and webpages and pixels). I read hungrily to taste the lives of others, and how they feel and think and see the world. But that's that. I live my life through words, but not for words.

So what do i really live for?

Monday, June 10, 2013

Life on a Thread

Sometimes, it really doesn't matter how carefully you tread your path, how responsibly you live your life.

Because all it takes is a reckless, unthinking fool to bring you down. Take away the life you've painstakingly built.

And life is but a slender sinew. So strong, yet so delicately fragile.

Dear M,
I don't know you, but reading what happened was heart-rending. I pray the best for you.

Dear Y,
Haven't heard from you, but i hope no news doesn't mean bad news. I pray for you too; get well soon.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Because the Truth has a Sting

Turns out that the brash, nasty people who slam their doors in your face, perhaps even before you could make your pitch, aren't the cruellest.

Sometimes, it might be much more merciful to put someone (and his hopes) down so that time is not given for anything immaterial — and uncalled for — to flower.

A virus gets harder to kill as it evolves and gains resistance. Same for certain bugs. That which can be life-taking. Verily.


It pleases me not. I beg for liberation.
Not me, please.

Friday, May 24, 2013

The Blackened Friday

Too much toxic flowing in the bloodstream.

An excess of negativity clogging up the veins of the heart.

A bomb threatening to go off, yet teasingly refusing to.

The yearning to implode (no, not explode), and get it over with. But it has a good grip that couldn't be dislodged.

But i will never throw in the towel. Just you wait.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Self-Denial to Self-Discovery

What if you don't wish to delve deeper into yourself because you're afraid of what you might find?

What then?

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Of myths and misfits

Once upon a time, i believed i was an extrovert.

Or at least, i tried to. And managed to substantiate my claim with the results from personality tests. But you do know you can more or less pick the answers that would lead to the outcome you desire, right? It's not really about being dishonest in the answers; i think it's something like self-fulfilling prophecies. I've forgotten the stuff i learnt in Social Psychology though, so i might be wrong to draw that connection. (Tell me if i am, but as surreptitiously as you can.)

Then, i realised that i'm not. Probably cause extroverts are usually the cool kids, and being an introvert carries a certain stigma. So that was me, before my revelation, trying to find a good place in the social world.

For awhile, i wonder if people can be somewhere in the middle, extroverted in some situations and introverted in others. I'm still quite unsure of this, actually. But perhaps being an introvert does not mean you can't be social, so it's not a matter of lying someplace in a continuum.

But i blabber.

This is the main point behind the post:

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

There you have it.

It'll serve as a reminder for myself, from time to time, that the "introvert" label can be just as wearable and funkeh. Plus a better fit for me.

ps: I especially liked the last bit about IQ. It's the true-true.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Not sure i can call myself a writer, if i don't write for my own sake, or about things that i feel for.

If all that i write every day, all day, are for others.
Others. Some faceless, some mindless. Much as they strive for a "personality" behind it all.

Not sure i can call myself a writer, if i don't know my grammar.

If i is am couldn't be certain about has/had/have. Or find it tricky sometimes, when i should use at/in/on/to/for/from.

Not sure i can call myself a writer, if i take forever to compose a piece.

If i'm stricken with writer's block every so often, when facing a blank sheet that's waiting for a headline and some chunks of body to be emblazoned on it. If i'm frequently out of juice, but Time waits not for me to squeeze out something creative.

Not sure i can call myself a writer, if i fuss over every choice of word, every sentence structure.

If i can't make up my mind if it is better to use "undecided" instead of "can't make up my mind". Or "in the midst of contemplation". Or whatever that might express something similar but aren't quite the same. Because the nuances and details matter too much to me, too significant, too important.

Not sure i can call myself a writer, if i let myself ramble on and on and couldn't stop or go straight to the point.

If i can't make things short and punchy. And quirky, maybe.

Not sure i can call myself a writer, if i find myself boring, and that sentiment extends to my writing.

If i can't find something interesting to say, something that hooks readers, something that might even touch them to boot.

Not sure i can call myself a writer, if no one actually reads what i write.

If i am my only reader.

But still, i will.

I will.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

The real under the hide

[from IWTFY]

I hide because there's more to me than you see and I'm not sure you'd like those. Because i know that sometimes, I don't like them myself.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Werk Werk

Now that I'm frolicking with words for a living, it seems that my blog has been neglected. Reading and writing copious amounts of text the whole day drains a lot of brain juice, so by the time i get home, i only have the capacity for Facebook. Even then, i had to fight hard not to succumb to Sleep, the devious fellow bent on depriving me of a life outside work.

But here i am.

Especially after learning that my blog gets read. Which honours me greatly, by the way. So you, covert reader, can come tell me that you visit this place too. It would gladden me to know that I'm not talking to myself after all.

Actually, I really came here just to make a point:
My OCD is terribly impeding my working pace.

ps: I should make another point since i'm here already. My employment status flickered briefly on "Unemployed" for 2 short weeks. I've started toiling my life away even as my peers go on grad trips. Sad kid.
I miss bumming.
End-of-year trip, anyone?
Hmm, i wonder how much longer my postscript can stretch.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The nervous wreck

It was nerve-wracking. So much that I could have died. Alternatively, I could have personally seen to it by doing myself in: dig a hole, shove my head in, and suffocate myself before anyone sees the embarrassment on my face.

Should have done that.

This isn't my first endeavour. How many more times must I go through this before I can get a grip? Before I can breathe, kill the butterflies, and do my thing?

Being a nervous wreck probably wrecked any chance I had.

And even if I do get through this, I'm not proud of my performance.

Jitterbug, not cute. Out!